


ice

by bluesunset1



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Lots Of Sad, M/M, just. so much sad, siwon what the hell were you thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 14:09:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18779833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluesunset1/pseuds/bluesunset1
Summary: i just decided this morning i was gonna write somethin sad today, and my friend suggested it be siteuk. this is probably trash, i hope you enjoy it anyway. comments/kudos/etc arr appreciated.find me on twt @siteuks





	ice

“the world is cold, but your love is warm”

 

jungsoo finds himself rolling the sentiment on his tongue once more. he curses the warmth that blooms in his chest when he thinks of the chapped, heated mouth that pressed the poetic words against his own. he closes his eyes, and with it his hand, crushing the battered photo of the man in question in his hand even further. he infinitely bites bile rising in his throat at the thought of the man. 

 

his pretty, sleek hair, warm brown eyes, smiles full of promises. his immaculate _everything,_ if leeteuk closed his eyes and thought, he was unable to find a flaw on the surface of the man called _choi siwon_. a name carved into his ribs like runes that he’d never be able to wish or wash away. he was everywhere, he covered every surface every memory, every _crease_ of poor jungsoo’s consciousness. 

 

creases not unlike the ones that dug valleys into the youngers cheeks when his face cracked into a smile that could make the gods themselves cry. nothing compared to him, when he had him, it was a gift but without him, it was a curse. 

 

before he knows it he’s crying again, grasping for the phone on the bedside table. how he wished he was looking for anything else, here in the vast loneliness of their ‘shared’ bedroom. in between his fingers now, he types out another plea of an answer from his now enshadowed lover. how quickly someone can go from the center of your universe to a name you come to dread.

 

[ _ siwon-ah _ ]

 

[ _ please call hyung, please call me. _ ]

 

[ _ just tell me what i did. _ ]

 

[ _ can’t we work this out? i promise i’ll be better. you know how much i love you _ ]

 

the leaders fingers flurry over the electronic keyboard, eyes blurry with unshed tears, fighting for space on his cheeks as the drip off his lashes. had siwon been here, he’d kiss them away, make it all better. he feels that familiar pang of guilt, hot in his stomach and like ice water in his veins. it’s every feeling at once, but not feeling a damn thing. 

 

he tosses the phone, too much of a coward to throw it hard enough to do any damage. his heart strains against the prison of his rib cage, beating to the ever drumming beat of one mans name. over and over the younger man runs through his mind with no end in sight. he plays the scene in his head over again though he wills it to end.

 

_ it was a long day of practicing, more mc work, another award show attended alone. _

 

_ he wanted to be home, desperately wanted to see siwon. he needed him. he really, truly did. leeteuk was incredibly awful at admissions of love and affection, or feelings in general. perpetually afraid of the consequences of showing others how he really feels, or that he does at all.  _

 

_ by the grace of some higher being, one that siwon would indefinitely thank as they held each other close in their warm, inviting bedroom later that night, he had finished early. he had anticipated his shoot with a thai beauty company would take longer than an hour or so. he had planned for three or four.  _

 

_ jungsoo practically sprinted to his managers car to go home. _

 

_ siwon will be home waiting for him, elated that his lover had caught a break for once and was able to spend a few extra hours with him. sometimes that’s all they’d ever have.  _

 

_ he couldn’t explain the absolutely overwhelming pit of anxiety seated in his gut on the ride home. as he makes his tired and overdone trip from one place to the next, there’s a far too heavy silence that weights his shoulders. tilts his posture to a slouch in the familiar upholstery he slinks against as the rain pats endlessly against the window. he feels hot, anxious, pressing the flats of his palms against his pants to try and relieve the clamminess he feels there.  _

 

_ he thinks he should call him, then unthinks it, then overthinks it. what if he’s sleeping? the younger boy was always just as exhausted as his hyung, if not moreso, he just refused to show it. this frustrates the hell out of jungsoo, but the other would say the same about him. he chuckles warmly at the thought.  _

 

_ before he knows it, he’s home. he flings himself from the car, muttering a rushed thanks to his manager. he pushes through the rainy afternoon to climb the stairs to his apartment, where he imagines his love laying on his couch, probably grasping a throw pillow and cuddled up with shimkoong. he smiles at the thought and he can’t get the key in the lock fast enough. careful to still be quiet, which was not unusual, just in case his hunch was correct and he was asleep, he wished not to disturb him. siwon was adorable when he slept, so it wouldn’t be an unwelcome sight.  _

 

_ however, when he opens the door, there is no siwon sleeping on his couch, there is a sleeping shimkoong on her comfortable bed in the living area. the house is overly silent, and he tiptoes around, thinking that maybe he was asleep in their bedroom.  _

 

_ then he hears a noise, a voice he doesn’t recognize.  _

 

_ or rather one he does, and one that shouldn’t carry through his house. through his shared room with his boyfriend, his love. the pit in his stomach returns, weighing him down. he feels frozen, but his body moves him onward. _

 

_ dark brown tresses cover his favorite pillowcase, and not short ish, messy ones he expected. manicured nails run through the locks he anticipated against the pillow, he doesn’t see anything in that moment but siwon’s head between the expanse of her milky thighs. he feels sick, he wants to lean over and puke, bile rising again in his stomach, travelling to his throat.  _

 

_ he’s unmoving, a statue that captures pure, unadulterated despair and heartbreak. he blinks once, twice, a third time, but the thing he perceived for a moment as a mirage never goes away. he feels a tear exit with the fourth blink. all he can hear are the obscene noises of siwon pleasuring their junior that fill the corridor. he covers his mouth with a hand.  _

 

_ he couldn’t believe it. she was tugging at his hair, and he obeyed like he was her toy, traveling up her naked body to kiss him, hot and heavy. he keeps the scream he wants to let out trapped in his throat. then the downward spiral of his thoughts begin. he admires the girl below his lover, and in a way, envy begins to prick at the base of his neck. she's slender, they have that in common. but, all her edges are soft, no angular hip bones, no sometimes too hard chest. he wants to cry.  _

 

_ she keens as siwon reaches to push two digits inside the hot entrance that lies below him. leeteuk hates that he can feel dull arousal pool in his gut, mingling with the anxiety and the fear and the disgust. he feels the ghosting feeling of the same action the younger boy had done to his leader time and time again. he feels absolute dread as he looks on, imprisoned in his own thoughts, unable to make the move to stop what’s before him.  _

 

_ and it stays that way until the woman’s eyes loll just a little too far to the left and she sees the other man, tears hot on his cheeks, running through the makeup he neglected to remove in his haste. his gaze intensifies as they make eye contact while siwon is inside her, grunting phrases jungsoo only imagined saved for him, guess he’d thought wrong.  _

 

_ she stops there, dead in her tracks, unwrapping her legs from the lean, muscled back the idol knew all too well. siwon looked concerned, looked around his shoulder, muttering  _

 

_ ‘is it koongie? she’ll go back to sleep just let her be—‘ _

 

_ his eyes blow wide. if possible, his head may have exploded. jungsoo desperately tries to ignore how easily siwon made an excuse. like they were used to being annoyed by his hyungs dog, and that he had the audacity to call her a cutesy nickname.  _

 

_ now, he feels the strength to move. he sees siwon rise to chase after the older man, and watches in pure disgust as yuri searches for her clothes and then hurries for the door, daring to mutter an apology.  _

 

_ ‘i’m so sorry, jungsoo-sunbaenim.. i thought—‘  _

 

_ anger flares hot and deep in jungsoos chest, ‘don’t call me that. you don’t have the right.’ more tears form, and his voice turns watery. he’s entirely aware of siwon standing stunned before him and a dark, hidden part of him, relishes in his guilt, the look of getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar. ‘i don’t care  _ **_what_ ** _ you thought, kwon yuri,’ not even bothering to give her any kind of honorific, or nickname, ‘the faster you get out of my house, and my  _ **_sight_ ** _ , the better chance you have of waking up with a job tomorrow.’ he spits the words, though an empty threat, the point is made all the same.  _

 

_ she scurries out, and in the ringing silence of the apartment, he just then realizes how loudly he was yelling. siwon looks to be almost cowering, jungsoo barely able to muster up the ability to look at the other man. when he does, it’s with red ringed eyes and blotchy, swollen features. he doesn’t have to say it, doesn’t need to move his lips to ask.  _

 

_ why? _

 

_ siwon doesn’t have the answer.  _

 

_ he tries, moves toward the other man, tries to envelop his hyung in an embrace, leeteuk doesn’t want it, unsure if he ever will again. he’s stained now, in his elders mind. he pushes the youngers arms away, violently, but without hurting. he sobs, loud, unabashedly, and in siwons mind it’s heartbreaking. he doesn’t reserve the right to think so, and he knows that.  _

 

_ ‘hyung, i…’ his voice trails off, and jungsoo laughs, fucking laughs, at the notion he was gonna try to apologize, ‘i don’t know why, teukkie. it happened so fast she just insisted and insisted and i didn’t want tensions between—‘ his younger lovers voice is drowned out by the anger, the sadness, the absolute endless well of emotions he feels all at once. not even looking at him, not daring to let himself stare into the face of the person who betrayed him like he would never in a lifetime expect him to.  _

 

_ ‘save it, siwon.’ his voice is flat, as lifeless as he feels in that moment. that’s when siwon gets angry, and jungsoo is incredibly caught off guard by it.  _

 

_ ‘how did you think i felt? you think i liked it? im surprised i haven’t found you doing the same! you didn’t call,’ he huffs, and the older curls his nails into his palm, he wants to feel anything, ‘maybe i wanted to know you were coming home early. you’re always gone now, i just sit at home like your pet and wait for you all day and night.’ siwon is grasping for reasons to be mad and he damn well knows it. like a child throwing a tantrum, he runs through excuse after excuse over and over, no end in sight.  _

 

_ ‘i know you did, siwon. now get out of my house before i never want to see you again.’ he bites at him only with words and it’s the ache that comes after that’s worse than any other. _

 

_ as he collects his things he turns to look to his elder once more before he’s out the door.  _

 

_ ‘at least she  _ **_wants_ ** _ to have sex with me. she initiated.’ he spits, and before he has time to react to the cutting statement, the other is gone.  _

 

so here he is now, their ever fierce and strong leader is curled up in an old sweater left by his boyfriend, bawling his eyes out feeling like a lost child. he’s felt everything the last few days, and tried almost everything to fix it. no matter how many kisses his younger members tried to do to pull him from the stupor. he tried feebly so many times to talk to siwon. all to no avail, whatsoever.

 

donghae, heechul and hyukjae checked on him a lot, and he appreciated it though nothing they could do would pull the two halves of his heart back together. shimkoong tried her best as she always does, she’s all he really has at the end of every day. 

 

siwon’s name flashes on his screen and he practically jumps out of his skin to get his cellphone. with shaking hands, he picks up the phone and siwon answers and his chest swells and stomach sinks as he hears the other man on the phone. 

 

there’s nothing. he’s just breathing, but it’s a start. it’s more than he’s gotten in the last week and a half. then he hears a mumbled apology, and the anger flares up inside the older once more. all the memories of their heated nights, gentle ones, sad ones, everything in between fades into red, hazy vision. he’s angry. angrier than he’s ever been. he remembers siwons words once more, about his love for him. his voice begins before he can control it. he doesn’t wanna work it out anymore. 

 

“the world is cold, but your love is a never-ending winter. you ruined me,  _ siwon choi _ .” 

 

there’s no fixing it. no going back. this is the end. an ugly end, at that.

 

he hangs up and succumbs to the tears once more. swearing to himself to never open himself again. 

**Author's Note:**

> i just decided this morning i was gonna write somethin sad today, and my friend suggested it be siteuk. this is probably trash, i hope you enjoy it anyway. comments/kudos/etc arr appreciated. 
> 
> find me on twt @siteuks


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